Hi, I'm Dave x

 Hi! I'm Dave, it's really nice to meet you :) 

For those of you that don't know me I'll kick off with a brief introduction of who I am.

I'm a 42 year old balding obese diabetic from the UK (Ladies please form an orderly queue) and mentally I am broken. Some people like to guard their mental health struggles, but I am the opposite, I want to shout it from the rooftops!

In fact let's kick this off with a bold and controversial statement.... I. AM. MENTAL.

I get that some people might find that statement offensive, but it's true for ME so back off ;)

Now, let's go back to where it all began shall we?

I was brought up in a reasonably strict/traditional home, I was loved even though rarely did I hear that word, but I was born in that gap between the 'suck it up' and the 'express your feelings' generations so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

As a kid, especially back in the 80's I had no concept of what mental health issues were, we just went out and played with our mates until it got dark, then we went home. But if I think back I'm pretty sure that there were warning signs that I was going to struggle to process my emotions in a 'normal' manner later in life.

I was also the class clown, and often acted up to make people laugh, a trait that followed me through life, and now seen as a defense mechanism to hide a sadness that I could never see even though it waa most likely in plain sight.

I grew up in the era of transformers, star wars, bmx bikes and go-karts with no brakes and questionable steering, the music was mostly terrible and the clothing horrendous, but it was still a great time where excitement, adventure and danger hadn't yet been stifled by parents worried you might get a splinter or break your neck by climbing a tree.

But here's something else I noticed as I grew up....... Whenever something upset me I'd get angry, I remember punching David Smurthwaite in the stomach at a school disco because he called me Polo Powell, hardly a stinging insult but I LOST IT, and he was one of my closest friends......

Another time I remember going and washing cars with my friend Lucan, we used to do it aged 8 or 9 and would spend our earnings renting great movies like Spaceballs or buying sweets 😍😍 well for some reason he and I started squabbling over something I assume to be relatively minor, but I took the bucket we were using and smashed him over the head with it shattering it into a dozen pieces.

So I can see with hindsight that I had a serious lack of ability to control my temper whenever I got upset. I'd get so fired up that I'd explode with rage rather than rationally approach, digest and then shit out the problems as they happened.

I also remember bursting into tears one day when my dad shouted at me for complaining about my clothes being uncomfortable, and I got called a 'sissy' or something similar because 'men don't cry' and even that hurt me more than I ever cared (until recently) to realise. I don't have any anomosity regarding this incident, because it was the way that parenting was done back then.

Well there it is, a little bit about me, some nostalgia, and just the early rumblings of a person who was going to struggle to cope with emotional situations, regardless of how silly they were.

Next post we'll delve a little more into the tangled web that is Dave, I hope you'll stick with me and even enjoy my story. If you want to share this blog please feel free, it's not designed to make me internet famous, in fact it's written more in the hope that somebody may spot something in my ramblings that helps them identify any markers that may be relevant to THEIR mental health, because if even one person can feel better by me sharing my experience I'll be a happy man.

Much love,

Dave xx