Mental health and the importance of talking...

We all have demons in our lives. Addiction, self harming, uncontrolled aggression and many more besides. They make parts of our lives hell on earth and have the ability to reduce the strongest people to a mere shadow of their former self.

I know many people that go and see a counsellor, myself included, in the hope of exorcising these malevolent entities from our heads, because they have no right to invade a happy and healthy mind, spreading poisonous tendrils, probing into our most precious and happiest of memories.

Last Thursday I went to my counselling session and I got asked a few standard safeguarding questions relating to my safety. The question that caused me to fear for my safety, and stop my therapist from forming words for a moment was pretty straightforward. "Dave, on a scale of 1 to 10 how likely is it that you will attempt to self harm or end your life?"

I sat back in my chair and put my hands on my face, I hesitated for a few seconds and asked myself what the potential ramifications could be for just saying exactly was in my head. I took a deep breath out, took in a fresh lungful of air and I said, "I believe with all my heart that when my  time comes it will be by my own hand." I continued with "I currently have no intention of acting on these feelings, but I am absolutely convinced that this particular reality is beyond my control."

My therapist's eyes widened noticably and her mouth opened slightly, I could see her trying to compose herself, even though she's probably heard similar (or worse) many times over. After what felt like minutes she responded asking "Why do you feel that's how it's likely to go?"

"Because"..... I continued "Because it's like a magnetic attraction to this being the conclusion to my lifes journey, and I'm not sure why, but I'm ok with that."

She proceeded to ask me definitively if I was actively planning on ending my life in the coming days, and if I could spot the triggers causing me to spiral downward to the point I might act on these impulses.

"I don't think so" I replied. "But I fully expect that one day my guard will either be momentarily left down, or it will have beaten down so badly that my safety net will be rendered ineffective."

I don't think it helps that while I don't currently welcome the idea of death I am also totally unafraid of it.

"How often do you consider ending your own life?" Now I'm no expert, but how can you give an accurate answer to a mental health issue with such a scattergun approach that you're not sure where, or even IF, it is going to hit you?

I think about it many times a week, and even though I can often distract myself to break that unwanted desire to give up the thoughts return in varying duration and intensity.

I have a hotline number for the mental health crisis line, and they are incredibly helpful if you can find the words you needed to adequately articulate your current situation.

I get that this not an easy topic to read about, but the most important thing is speaking up so people are aware of the internal struggles they face themselves, with little or no understanding of why they feel the way they do or how to say 'I'm struggling, but nobody cares or undsrstands.

People DO care, people absolutely DO want to help, but are often oblivious to the depth of your despair and the level of deception mental health illness will stoop to, ensuring you further isolate yourself from people that absolutely CAN help youu see sense.

You're not alone, your feelings are valid, and you are absolutely NOT a burden on your friends.

Much love,

Dave x