Depression manifesting as anger...


So, as we have established on previous episodes of 'Crazy Dave' I struggle with my head, like a LOT.

Depression as a whole is hard, bit sometimes the individual parts that add up to it are even worse than the entire package. I have ALWAYS had issues separating sadness and disappointment with rage, anger and aggression. 

Let's talk about aggression. Many years ago I'd delight in picking a fight, regardless of whether it was verbal or physical, because it was an outlet, it allowed me to release some of the pressures of life, and I should probably be ashamed of the things I said and did to various people. I've hurt so many people individually, I've worried their families with the damage I have inflicted upon their loved ones.

I was a master at saying the right thing to make somebody swing for me, a comment about somebody's girlfriend looking like a beaten pig, a sly comment about how they probably fought like a pussy, and given the fact they were as drunk as me it was easy to trigger a swing. As soon as they let a punch go it was open season, now I'm far from the hardest man in the world but I could most definitely handle myself im a scrape. I've hospitalised people, I've had people try to stab me in the face with a dart, I've been locked up overnight to keep me from causing any more trouble.

And. I. Enjoyed. It.

At least I think I did...... I mean was it enjoyment of the rush of adrenaline brought on by the thrill of the fight, or was it the euphoric release of pent up mental health issues that back then I was probably blissfully unaware of?

Does that make me some kind of psychopath? Possibly so, I was definitely an unstable asshole and that can surely never be a good thing.

Without that past I'm not sure I would have the mindset I do now, I'm not sure I'd be so quick to spot the same traits I exhibited in other people, so I come to a kind of moral dilemma, maybe somebody could give me clarity? Should I be proud of my journey regardless of what I did? Or should I hate my past even though it allows me to now better help others?

Today I felt that anger burning inside me again, a mix of frustration, tiredness and physical pain had me at bursting point, but I didn't feel the need to go and pick a fight, because I cried. I sat on my own and purged the negativity in the most non violent way possible, and it felt good.

I'm sure that this will come as a revelation to some people, and to others it's no big deal, but I always promise people that I will be open and honest about who I am, and what I have done. 

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