Hi, I'm Dave, and I want(ed?) to die.

I'll start off by giving a **TRIGGER WARNING** I'm going to be talking about the darkest corners of my mind, which inevitibly includes honesty about suicidal thoughts.

Hi! I'm Dave, and for the last few weeks I have been utterly convinced that I want to die. Sounds kind of nonchalant, flippant if you will, but it's true. It's hard to put into words how you feel when the most malevolent thoughts creep into your mind, you almost don't notice as the tendrils of depression slowly creep inside your head and slowly chokes what little positivity you have into submission.

I suffer HUGELY with paranoia, I believe people talk, plot and scheme against me while my back is turned, I feel like the world is out to get me, and when you combine that with a feeling of worthlessness that depression brings to the table your own head can be the single worst place to be, which sucks because your mind should be a happy place that drives your hopes and dreams, that gives you purpose and ambition, it shouldn't be delivering the claustrophobic drowning experience as you sink to the bottom of an inky abyss.

A few days ago I had a breakdown, it must have been a fairly huge one because the rational side of me remembers very little of what happened that day.

I was sat at home watching Pawn Stars (love that show!) and Kelly was upstairs doing whatever, and I remember grabbing my shoes. I vaguely remember hearing voices telling me that now was the time to die, and as I tied my laces I recall being at peace, I've never been scared of death because it won't affect me. Well it will of course, after all I'll be dead, but the real impact of death is placed upon those we leave behind. And when we have been hoodwinked into believing that people are better off without us it almost becomes a relief knowing that you're supposedly leaving them so they can have a better life, without being tied to a useless piece of shit.

I don't remember walking 20 minutes down the road, I didn't hear my phone ringing fifty times in 20 minutes, and I was absolutely unaware of the multiple messages that Kelly had been frantically sending me, because also unbeknownst to me I had sent the following message to kelly.......

All I ever wanted was for you and the kids to be happy, my family are LITERALLY the only reason I care whether I wake up in the morning, and I can't even do things right for you.

For the last few months I have spent a ridiculous amount of time going through what I have achieved in life, and the sum total of my successes are as follows.

I genetically contributed to a couple of amazing kids.

That's it, the absolute pinnacle of 43 wasted years on this planet, what a fucking joke. I have done nothing of note, I have dragged your life down to the gutter, and for that I am also truly sorry.

For weeks now I have felt the resentment in you towards me, and that is also entirely on me, I took somebody I loved unconditionally and turned her into something she shouldn't be.

But I can fix this, I can stop your stress, I can let the three of you lead a better life, it's the very least I can do after holding you all back for so long.

I just want you to promise me that you'll make sure the kids know that me being gone was nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me.

The other week when I had my meltdown and told you I didn't want to live with the state of my head I meant it. I am so mentally tapped out I can barely function, and I'm not bringing that home any more.

You are amazing, our kids are amazing, you deserve better. I'm so disappointed in myself, my lack of ambition, my abject failure to be a man.

Normally I'd look for a conversation with you after opening up like this, but I don't think I have anything else left to say.

Please understand how much I loved you all, I just want to give you freedom, and for the voices telling me to do things to stop.

I love you all so much x

I'm sat wiping tears from my eyes as I write this, it's the first time I have actually read the message back and the first time I saw the frantic responses from Kelly, she shouldn't have to deal with this shit, another consideration when I made my mind up.

I must have been completely oblivious to the world around me, I must have been sat by those train tracks a while because all I remember is feeling cold to the bone but telling myself it was ok, I wouldn't be cold for much longer.

Much love.

Dave x

P.s. If you're experiencing these issues PLEASE reach out to somebody. Family, a trusted friend, or a mental health crisis line, talking to ANYBODY is better than talking to nobody.