Your number's up!
I want to talk about a relevant number that is close to my heart.....
00:23
Seems innocuous enough doesn't it? So would 00:21 or 00:22 because without further information it is but a meaningless set of digits. But these numbers represent three of the most mentally intense memories I will likely ever experience.
So here is the backstory of 00:23 It may be triggering for some people so please be aware that I speak honestly about some of my darkest moments. If ANY of this resonates with your personal feeling please seek help from a friend or medical professional. Ready? Then let's go!
I'd been driving around in the dark for about an hour, it was just after midnight and I'd been crying non stop. I was accutely aware that my face felt tight from where tears had dried layer upon layer and my chest was tight leading to a shortness of breath. I didn't know it at the time but I'm pretty sure that this was my first experience of an actual panic attack.
This was the first time I had ever been so emotionally broken that I seriously contemplates ending my life, sure I'd had fleeting thoughts in the past, but nothing concrete. With that dawning realisation came a calmness that brought me reassurance that me not being here was beneficial to all around me. After all what use is a weak and emotionally compromised man? In fact at this point in my life I didn't feel like a man, I felt like a waste of time and even that my life had come at the expense of somebody else's opportunity to be a success.
The calmness I mentioned above is lethal because it feels SO real that the darkest parts of your mind can sense victory it has made you believe that the ending would bring a new beginning, and unless you seek help or get VERY lucky you're in deep shit because you're close to passing the cut off point where a rational mind walks you back from the edge.
As I drove back towards the city I arrived at a level crossing, approaching it the lights began to flash and the barriers were coming down, a train was on the way and as it was the middle of the night I knew it was a freight train with no passengers on board.
I looked at the clock on the dashboard and it said 00:21 I put on the hazard lights, turned off the engine, got out of the car and walked to the barriers. As I closed the door the time ticked over to 00:22 and I could hear and feel the train coming down the tracks. I walked between the barriers and looked down the tracks, the lights of the train were maybe 500 metres away and it seemed to have real momentum, this would be quick and likely painless.
At this point I was one stride from peace eternal and I thought that I welcomed it, the train was getting very close. I swear I could feel the air being dragged away from me. It was 100 metres, 50, 20, 10, 5.
In my head I stepped forward and for a moment I felt absolutely carefree, I was convinced I was dead, until the train driver sounded his horn out of sheer terror seeing me a matter of inches from his window.
I looked down at my phone and the lock screen said 00:23 it was the time I should have died. I walked back to the car and broke down in tears again, partly because I was relieved but also because I believed that I couldn't even do that right.
The human brain is the most wonderful, mind boggling and yet scary thing in the world, it has the power to let you dream but it also has the power to destroy itself on a whim and unless you are fortunate it can happen in the blink of an eye.
I said it above, if you feel like this please reach out to somebody and get help before your own thoughts try and betray you into making a sacrifice that will affect all of the people you strive so hard to protect and love.
So there it is...... 00:23 explained
That number serves as a painful but powerful reminder to me that anybody can step back from the brink, but hopefully people are more willing to open up about their problems than I was.
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