Tears of a clown!

Numbers play an important part of most aspects of our most powerful memories, wedding date, birth of child(ren) or the number of times KFC have forgotten something from my order! I want to talk about a relevant number that is close to my heart..... 00:23 Seems innocuous enough doesn't it? So would 00:21 or 00:22 because without further information it is but a meaningless set of digits. But these numbers represent three of the most mentally intense memories I will likely ever experience. So here is the backstory of 00:23 It may be triggering for some people so please be aware that I speak honestly about some of my darkest moments. If ANY of this resonates with your personal feeling please seek help from a friend or medical professional. Ready? Then let's go! I'd been driving around in the dark for about an hour, it was just after midnight and I'd been crying non stop. I was accutely aware that my face felt tight from where tears had dried layer upon layer and...

I'll start off by giving a **TRIGGER WARNING** I'm going to be talking about the darkest corners of my mind, which inevitibly includes honesty about suicidal thoughts. Hi! I'm Dave, and for the last few weeks I have been utterly convinced that I want to die. Sounds kind of nonchalant, flippant if you will, but it's true. It's hard to put into words how you feel when the most malevolent thoughts creep into your mind, you almost don't notice as the tendrils of depression slowly creep inside your head and slowly chokes what little positivity you have into submission. I suffer HUGELY with paranoia, I believe people talk, plot and scheme against me while my back is turned, I feel like the world is out to get me, and when you combine that with a feeling of worthlessness that depression brings to the table your own head can be the single worst place to be, which sucks because your mind should be a happy place that drives your hopes and dreams, that gives yo...

So, as we have established on previous episodes of 'Crazy Dave' I struggle with my head, like a LOT. Depression as a whole is hard, bit sometimes the individual parts that add up to it are even worse than the entire package. I have ALWAYS had issues separating sadness and disappointment with rage, anger and aggression.  Let's talk about aggression. Many years ago I'd delight in picking a fight, regardless of whether it was verbal or physical, because it was an outlet, it allowed me to release some of the pressures of life, and I should probably be ashamed of the things I said and did to various people. I've hurt so many people individually, I've worried their families with the damage I have inflicted upon their loved ones. I was a master at saying the right thing to make somebody swing for me, a comment about somebody's girlfriend looking like a beaten pig, a sly comment about how they probably fought like a pussy, and given the fact they were as...

So..... I was just talking to my friend 'Jeff' about the ills of the world. He's been going through a bit of a shit time lately, and we got talking about crying. He told me that he cried because of what has been going on, and I wonder how he thought I'd react, because for us guys the standard response is to kick them when they are down by terrorising them, but I didn't. I smiled, not a smirk, no eyes lighting up at somebody having a bad day...... I smiled because I was PROUD of him, so fucking proud it made me happy, happy for him, happy for me, happy for humanity, because it set him free. I'm an open book when it comes to shedding tears, I cry ALL. THE. TIME. Want proof? Ok, here's a few things that have set me off lately. - Fraggle rock - Our dog not stopping whining - My Granduncle died - I was due to go back to work - Fraggle rock (mentioned for a second time due the ludicrously odd nature of it upsetting me) Fraggle fucking rock....... But t...

People who suffer from depression and anxiety HATE it, I mean who wants to feel worthless and/or like the walls are closing in? I'd give up every last worldly possession to have a clean bill of health and not be a burden on people. Who in their right mind would WANT to feel like that? Well disturbingly it would seem that whilst not wanting to experience the symptoms of MH issues there are a LOT of people willing to use depression as a fucking fashion accessory on social media for no reason other than attention, and more importantly to attain a level of 'celebrity' that comes from using good people's naivety to boost their likes on platforms such as TikTok. I see it all the time, people sitting there looking like a kitten just shit in their beer to steal sympathy of strangers and garner a level of regional 'fame' that they crave for some unknown reason. But I want to say this, the only thing you should be using your mental health issues for is making other people...

So, here we are again. Take 3 of our national lockdown and we're all stuck at home climbing the walls in frustration. I know that other parts of the world are less stringent than us, but we are ALL facing unprecedented challenges that thankfully happen rarely. We can all sit and make a joke about being driven to drink by homeschooling our children, we can clip them round the ear (jokingly) for making a silly mistake in their work, but do we REALLY take into account how this lockdown is affecting them? I'm not sure that I have taken it as seriously as maybe I should have. We tend to assume that a child's world is uncomplicated, they don't have bills to pay, they aren't being driven made by a manager, director or CEO that demands more and more from us for the same money we've been on for years. We take it for granted that at the end of a day they close their eyes and dream away everything that has bothered them just a few hours previously, but why is t...

 Hi! I'm Dave, it's really nice to meet you :)  For those of you that don't know me I'll kick off with a brief introduction of who I am. I'm a 42 year old balding obese diabetic from the UK (Ladies please form an orderly queue) and mentally I am broken. Some people like to guard their mental health struggles, but I am the opposite, I want to shout it from the rooftops! In fact let's kick this off with a bold and controversial statement.... I. AM. MENTAL. I get that some people might find that statement offensive, but it's true for ME so back off ;) Now, let's go back to where it all began shall we? I was brought up in a reasonably strict/traditional home, I was loved even though rarely did I hear that word, but I was born in that gap between the 'suck it up' and the 'express your feelings' generations so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. As a kid, especially back in the 80's I had no concept of what m...